The Death of a Friend

Today I attended the funeral of a young lady that I knew in primary school. When I heard the news about her passing I couldn’t believe it. Here was a twenty five year old girl, coming into her stride in her career and relationship, and just like that, she is gone.  It reminds me of how fragile life is, and how lucky we all are to be alive right now. At any moment the roulette wheel could stop on your name, and in the blink of an eye you cease to physically exist. And it can be from anything. Perhaps you slip in the shower. Perhaps someone loses concentration in their car for one second. Perhaps you have a stroke. All these things in one way or another are out of your control, and we are left to the mercy of chance. The fact that I am alive right now and typing this is incredible, because I have “dodged” that chance wheel from stopping on my name for twenty five years. I hope I can continue to do so.

This has been the second funeral that I have attended in my lifetime, and even though I did not truly know her in her adult life, it was no less difficult to get through. Seeing the tears of family members, friends, partners all in one place can be overwhelming, but I found myself being able to hold it together. I don’t think it has truly sunk in yet because I still cannot believe it. It was not until the speeches when I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and tears forming in my eyes. You come to realise all the nonsense we worry about in life means absolutely nothing when something like this happens. You come to realise that the things you take for granted, even your friends and family, are the most important things in this world at the end of the day. That fight you had about nothing, that opportunity at work you missed, that car you don’t have, that inheritance you did not receive. All these things are so insignificantly small in comparison to the relationships you build with people. I’m beginning to see it more clearly. I just wish it didn’t take the death of someone to realise it.

During the service many things were going through my mind. When her father spoke I tried to think what he must be feeling. To have lost his flesh and blood that he and his wife so proudly brought into the world and nurtured with love and care. I can only imagine as I listen to his speech that he wrote. He even apologised that he might not be able to elaborate on the points, and that he might only be able to stick to the speech. You could see he was hurting bad. You could feel it. To me he was doing so well. I don’t think that I would have been able to keep it together like he did. I think I would just shut down as I internally curse the sky even when I know my child would have me do otherwise. I have the utmost respect for her father. You could see he was proud and I bet she would’ve been proud too.

When her partner spoke, she spoke how she had lost the person who gave her a reason for waking up in the morning, and falling asleep at night. How she lost her best friend, and sunshine. How she lost the love of her life. How she lost the person that brought her the most happiness she had ever experienced in her entire life. I tried to feel how she must have felt while she wept as she gave her speech. To have someone you love with all your heart, who you spend every day and night with. Someone who truly knows you, and loves you back. Who makes you a better person, and helps pick you up when you are going through a dark patch. Who is everything to you. To wake up the next day, to find that they are no longer in that bed with you when you roll over. That they are no longer on the end of that telephone number. That they are no longer there for you to joke with, cry with, laugh with or have fun with. How must that feel? I started to lose it at the end. Her partner placed a flower petal on the coffin and then walked half way across the room. She then stopped and looked back on the coffin, knowing that would be the last time she would be physically near one of the most important people in her life. That is when her partner really lost it, and I lost it too.

When her brother spoke, he spoke of many of the things her partner did however it hit me harder when he said it. When he spoke of his big sister, I could not help but think of my little sister. I think I was able to better feel what he must have been as he spoke. I thought what I would be feeling, if it was me up there, talking about my sister in front of all these people. What would I be saying, or failing to say because I would be in such agony? I didn’t entertain the thought for very long, as the thought of losing my sister was enough stress on my heart. All I can say is I would not be doing too well.

Finally I tried to visualise what it would be like if I was the one in that coffin? What effect would my death have on the people who I have come into contact with? It’s a grim thing to think of but I couldn’t help it. If I died tomorrow, how much of a ripple effect would it have on the worlds of the people I have known? Of course it would be terrible thing, but I cannot help but think what I will be remembered for. I would like to think that when I leave this place that I have had a positive impact on the worlds that I was a part of. I would like to think if I helped the people that I knew, or even didn’t know, in at least one way that my life would not have been a wasted life. I know I am often hard on myself, always feeling disappointed with myself because I am not achieving the best that I think that I should be. But I think that if my life helped or inspired someone in some way then it was not all for nothing. I also hope that when I die, my death helps people to realise things that they did not once realise. I hope that their lives become better with these realisations and that they are able to live their lives to the fullest for me. I hope they realise the beauty in their lives just like I have through my friends’ passing. I hope that they come to realise that although I am not physically alive, I am still alive within them, guiding their future actions in some way. I hope they realise that I do not wish for them to be sad. I hope when my time comes and people are sitting at my funeral that they remember something stupid that I have done or said that made them laugh and in turn make them laugh at that moment. That would mean a lot to me.

Thank you Vicky, for making me appreciate my life and to realise its beauty.

I hope you rest in peace.

Love Sash

Surround Yourself with Awesome!

Have you ever noticed the way you act and feel when you are around certain people? You find that you take on the characteristics of a chameleon. You act differently, and associate differently depending on the particular person, or group of persons that you are currently with. You may change the way you act, walk, talk or communicate. You may change your mannerisms, your body language or tone of voice. Your language may change. The subject matter of your discussions may change. All these things may change in order for you to adapt or “fit into” this social environment. And there is nothing wrong or abnormal about it. What one person may find interesting might not be so interesting to another person, and so here we have these “groups” of people that we associate with.

I myself have my school friends, my training friends, my work friends, my close friends, my family. I would even so far as to create another category labelled “awesome friends”. All these different groups of people who I associate with, and in not one of them do I act the exact same. Each group has a certain element of “me” in it that I am able to associate with, and therefore be a part of. But at the same time, each group affects me in different ways. One group may nurture my passion for weight training, and give me the motivation and drive to push harder. Another may be great at discussing life and expanding my knowledge and capacity for thought. Another may be great at just being that friendly listening ear that I need to vent to, and to tell me that everything is going to be fine. Over time, just from the exposure to these different groups, you yourself begin to change. You start becoming more like that group. You start acting “like” the group and soon enough you start acting “as” the group. Ultimately, you become the group.

“You’re one of us now!”

Through experience and over time I have come to realise that the company that you keep is so important. It affects you in so many ways. Your company can raise you to new heights you never thought possible. It can motivate you. It can drive you to be better. Your company can spark new passions. It can act as a support base. It can help you become the strongest and best “you” you can be.

Unfortunately it works both ways and unfortunately the company that you keep is not always for the better. Friendships that you once had, or still have, begin changing your moods, motivations and actions.  It is difficult to notice or accept it sometimes because this negative influence is shunned or put to the side in the name of “friendship.” Perhaps you refuse to admit that a group or a friendship is in fact harming you. You refuse to act because you feel there is this sense of “loyalty” to the group and you don’t want to rock the boat or jeopardise the relationship that has been built.

Whatever the reason may be, I feel it is important to be able to recognise when certain people or groups start affecting your life in a less than desirable way. That way you will be able to take some kind of action to either improve the situation, or if need be, remove yourself from the situation.

I myself have come to realise that some people are not the company I once thought. After being with some of these friends I become aware of the way I feel, and most of the time I walk away moody, upset, or less happy than what I was when I went in. I feel I know less than I should about them. At times I feel they are just acquaintances, instead of friends. I don’t feel comfortable opening up to them anymore. I feel like they don’t actually care about the things that interest me, nor are they supportive of the things that I am passionate about. Conversations are just small talk, turned gossipy and judgemental. I feel myself becoming more gossipy and judgemental around them, when I am the complete opposite. I feel I care more about the friendship than they do. Organising an event together has become a chore. People won’t reciprocate the effort to even travel to meet others anymore. Time isn’t made for the friendship anymore. The friendship has become matter of convenience. A recent example, myself and two friends organised to meet up. One friend had to think whether they could be bothered to drive for twenty minutes or not (they were not bothered, and didn’t show up), and the other just failed to show up. Unfortunately I had to wait around for close to a hour to realise this. On the bright side, it only cost me an hour of my life to learn some of the characteristics my friends.

“Sorry, I’m SOOOOOO busy doing nothing at home!”

There is a saying that you are the “average” of the people that you most associate yourself with. So for example if I was to associate myself with all positive people, I myself will eventually become a more positive person, just from the sheer exposure to these people. I would develop more positive habits and attributes. Stronger relationships would be formed from a supportive friendship foundation. Something about them rubs off on you. You eventually change, but for the better. On the other hand, if I associate myself with many negative people, guess what is going to happen to me? I will likely become a more negative person. So it would make sense, if I wanted to be awesome, to surround and associate myself with mostly awesome people. That way I’ll be in a positive, supportive and encouraging environment that will allow me to flourish. Also, it would make sense to not associate myself with negative people, that would mostly like bring me down, make me feel bad, hinder my progress to where I want to go, and prevent me from being the best person I can be.

Hey, that does make sense. I think I’ll do that.

“What’s up, awesome friend?”

– Sash

To trust, or not to trust!

HE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!

Trust!

Reliance on another person. Trust seems to be an integral part of life. Without trust in other, how could you expect to things to get done. I assume there are different types of trust. For example you trust the trolley man or the garbage man to come and remove and relocate trolleys or garbage to a more desirable location so we don’t have to worry about it. But then you can trust someone keep your deepest, darkest and most embarrassing secrets. One can even trust another with their life. It would seem trust is necessary in order to survive and flourish.

On the other hand, not trusting people has its own survival and flourishing attributes. Not trusting a untrustworthy person could save you from making grave mistakes. Sometimes it’s not the best idea to tell gossip hungry harpies the inner workings of your relationship. Next thing you know you’re walking down the street and someone asks you what you did to cure your foot fungus.Reliance on another person. Trust seems to be an integral part of life. Without trust in other, how could you expect to things to get done. I assume there are different types of trust. For example you trust the trolley man or the garbage man to come and remove and relocate trolleys or garbage to a more desirable location so we don’t have to worry about it. But then you can trust someone keep your deepest, darkest and most embarrassing secrets. One can even trust another with their life. It would seem trust is necessary in order to survive and flourish.

But then there is a third hand. What would be the implications of not trusting a trustworthy person? Would you be shooting yourself in the foot? Would you be closing potential opportunities for personal growth and development? Not trusting keeps you safe from the potential threat of pain or embarrassment..

Now why the hell did I bring up this topic? I have trust issues.

Why?

To make a long story short, when I was in my teenage years my father thought it would be a good idea to stop thinking with his brain and start thinking with an alternative appendage. An even greater idea would be to add 4 additional step siblings to the mix. For obvious reasons I like to dissociate myself from people who’s dick and brain have swapped roles.

Weird thought – Imagine if your brain was the shape of a penis and your penis (when applicable) was the shape of your brain……….food for thought when your mind is bored.

Anyway, after that said experience I had trusting issues. How could I trust anyone if I couldn’t even trust my own father? I still had trust in my mother and sister, but even that wasn’t 100%. Carry this mis-trusting attitude to future (and now past) relationships. How do you think they turned out? Terrible! It’s not that they were bad relationships where they stood and the people in them were not bad. In fact they are some of the most amazing, trustworthy people I’ve met. The reason they ended terribly is because I didn’t trust them 100%. They trusted me, but I fell short in the trust department. As people may or may not know, but the person who trusts less (or consequently invests less emotion into the relationship) holds more power in the relationship.

Why?

Because the person who has invested more has more to lose. If you don’t trust someone 100%, if you don’t emotionally invest into the relationship 100% then when that relationship is on the ropes, it’s easier for the less invested person to cut their loses and move on than it is for the person who has invested so much. What makes things even worse is if it is the less invested person who initiates the breaking up. They have protected themselves with two shields: the mistrusting shield and the break up initiation shield. Combine these to together and you will end up with one person in heartbreaking pain, and the other one seemingly unscathed. What kind of heartless prick would do such a thing, let alone more than once?

One who does not trust and one who is not willing to trust. Who’s walls are so high that no one could get in.

A person who enters a relationship knowing they won’t fully trust the other is selfish. They might have the purest intentions, wishing not to hurt the person, but ultimately that is exactly what is being set up. Over time a relationship develops, emotions strengthen, respect is earned, and love has a chance to blossom. This, however, can only manifest when both parties are comfortable enough to fully trust each other. A relationship cannot flourish on a foundation of mis-trust. This will only lead to failure and pain in the end.

So the question remains, should one allow themselves to fully trust another? Being emotionally closed off has the benefit of negating or reducing the chance or the amount of pain when experienced, but in the end is that really the wisest choice?

I am coming to realise that it probably not. By not trusting, your inner wall works both ways. Not only does it not let anyone in, but it doesn’t let anybody out. You yourself are trapped. You are unable to fully express your raw, unperfect self in all its glory. If you are not trusting, then you are not being 100% yourself. In terms of relationships, you are not giving that relationship a fair shot at being something great. You are denying yourself a crucial element of what it means to be in a relationship; trusting another enough to express yourself fully, without fear of ridicule or embarrassment. You are short changing the experiences that you potentially could be having, due to the fear of pain. You are denying yourself the opportunity to grow as a person, because without some pain, without some pressure, there is no growth. There is no need to grow.

“Hey look over there…….HAPPINESS!”

This is not to say seek pain out in a relationship, but have the courage to take the step to trust someone fully. If pain happens, it happens. Come back stronger from it. But one shouldn’t deny themselves the opportunity to be able to be themselves with another, irregardless of what might happen. If you’re so focused on what MIGHT happen in the future, you are already taking away from the most important time of your life; the present, the right now, the thing right in front of your damn face!

I feel it might be time to start dismantling this wall. It may take a while, seeing as it is as high as Everest but if I chip away at it brick by brick, one day I’m sure I’ll be able to see the world that I’ve denied myself.