But I had much to do. SO MUCH!

Ever get the feeling there is not enough hours in the day? You go to bed, and you cannot sleep because you are anxious about all the things that you didn’t get done even though you were on full throttle? Seeing those disgusting unticked boxes on your list that’s mocking you on your bedside table. Feeling like you have been defeated by your own expectations of yourself. It’s like at the end of the day and some random dude floats into your room the second you are about to fall asleep, and slaps you in the face with a certificate. A certificate of “participation”. Remember those back in the day? How degrading was that? I remember looking to the kid beside me in primary school. Big cheesey grin on their face as they brandish their “credit” around.  Only to be out done by that smug kid who keeps asking whether his “distinction” is any good. Little punk. Stupid random floating “participation” certificate distributor man.

“We don’t have the testicular fortitude to tell you that you failed, so have this instead!”

But seriously, do you ever wonder whether you will get it all done? All the work you have for the day, or the week, or the year? What about all the things you want to accomplish in five years? How about ten? How about by the end of your life whenever that may be? I know worrying too far into the future takes away from the present, which is the most important part, but that is still no reason not to have some sort of life structure. Some sort of life plan. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail……or plan to get a “participation” certificate.

It all started with a bucket list challenge. Write down fifty things that you want to accomplish before you go to that big gym in the sky. I could only conjure up twenty four things. But even looking at those twenty four things, I started to question whether or not I would even be able to accomplish all things? I want to be this, and that, and this, and that, and do this and that. All these things, plans, ideas. I want to accomplish these things. I want to experience all these things, and there are so many things. Where do I even start? How do I even start? Is it too late to do some of these things? This is probably a great spot for me to stop typing and refer back to my over-thinking “Paralysis by Analysis” post, but I’m going to keep going and hopefully an idea formulates.

I suppose I would start by looking at the list and ordering them in terms of importance to me. Those are the ones that I will target first. I guess next I’d give myself goals. As much as I hate the “g” word (just from saying way too much, the word doesn’t even look right to me anymore) I know that is what I have to set. If you don’t have direction, if you don’t have a target to funnel your energy then it will go nowhere. An idea without vision is just a dream. Let’s use the ever popular example of buying a house, or an apartment. The way you would approach it is to see how much it costs. See how much a deposit is, and calculate how much money you need. Then look at what you earn, and see how long you estimate it would take to save that money if you put some away each week. Now you have an idea and a direction and a time frame.

Another way to look at it might be to work backwards. Let’s say I want to be an engineer. Ok, how do you become an engineer? Well you go an study engineering. Ok, where? At this university. Ok, how do you get into that university? You do this, this and this etc. So all of a sudden you have created this visual route, or idea of how you are going to get to where you want. And then you would do this for all the things on your list. Constructing visual routes or timelines for all your life goals. You may choose to hit the little ones first and then tackle the big ones. You may find that some overlap. You may find that you accomplish one without even realising it. You may find you accomplish some faster than you anticipated.

The secret I suppose is just to get started. Get things in motion because the hardest part is to get things moving. Think about pushing a massive rock. At first that massive goal rock is not going to move. You keep pushing, keep applying pressure to it. Next thing you know you start seeing movement, it’s slow but it’s noticeable. Now it’s starting to make some considerable progress. Now it’s moving and you are hardly pushing it. Next thing you know you have lost your giant rock because it has gained so much momentum and now it has smashed some poor guys car that was one day away from being paid off.

“Pfft, I can push that. Hold my beer!”

I invite you to write a list of those things that you desire from this life, and have a think about what you have to do to achieve them. Even Don’t be scared and don’t rush it. Grab a cup a coffee, your ye olde quill and note pad and make sweet love to the page. Even do a timeline of when you expect to accomplish it. It will make it that more real and believable and that much more achievable to you. I’ve got a lot of timelines to do; twenty four to be precise and there is no way  in hell that I’m going to get a “participation” in this lifetime again.

– Sash

To trust, or not to trust!

HE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!

Trust!

Reliance on another person. Trust seems to be an integral part of life. Without trust in other, how could you expect to things to get done. I assume there are different types of trust. For example you trust the trolley man or the garbage man to come and remove and relocate trolleys or garbage to a more desirable location so we don’t have to worry about it. But then you can trust someone keep your deepest, darkest and most embarrassing secrets. One can even trust another with their life. It would seem trust is necessary in order to survive and flourish.

On the other hand, not trusting people has its own survival and flourishing attributes. Not trusting a untrustworthy person could save you from making grave mistakes. Sometimes it’s not the best idea to tell gossip hungry harpies the inner workings of your relationship. Next thing you know you’re walking down the street and someone asks you what you did to cure your foot fungus.Reliance on another person. Trust seems to be an integral part of life. Without trust in other, how could you expect to things to get done. I assume there are different types of trust. For example you trust the trolley man or the garbage man to come and remove and relocate trolleys or garbage to a more desirable location so we don’t have to worry about it. But then you can trust someone keep your deepest, darkest and most embarrassing secrets. One can even trust another with their life. It would seem trust is necessary in order to survive and flourish.

But then there is a third hand. What would be the implications of not trusting a trustworthy person? Would you be shooting yourself in the foot? Would you be closing potential opportunities for personal growth and development? Not trusting keeps you safe from the potential threat of pain or embarrassment..

Now why the hell did I bring up this topic? I have trust issues.

Why?

To make a long story short, when I was in my teenage years my father thought it would be a good idea to stop thinking with his brain and start thinking with an alternative appendage. An even greater idea would be to add 4 additional step siblings to the mix. For obvious reasons I like to dissociate myself from people who’s dick and brain have swapped roles.

Weird thought – Imagine if your brain was the shape of a penis and your penis (when applicable) was the shape of your brain……….food for thought when your mind is bored.

Anyway, after that said experience I had trusting issues. How could I trust anyone if I couldn’t even trust my own father? I still had trust in my mother and sister, but even that wasn’t 100%. Carry this mis-trusting attitude to future (and now past) relationships. How do you think they turned out? Terrible! It’s not that they were bad relationships where they stood and the people in them were not bad. In fact they are some of the most amazing, trustworthy people I’ve met. The reason they ended terribly is because I didn’t trust them 100%. They trusted me, but I fell short in the trust department. As people may or may not know, but the person who trusts less (or consequently invests less emotion into the relationship) holds more power in the relationship.

Why?

Because the person who has invested more has more to lose. If you don’t trust someone 100%, if you don’t emotionally invest into the relationship 100% then when that relationship is on the ropes, it’s easier for the less invested person to cut their loses and move on than it is for the person who has invested so much. What makes things even worse is if it is the less invested person who initiates the breaking up. They have protected themselves with two shields: the mistrusting shield and the break up initiation shield. Combine these to together and you will end up with one person in heartbreaking pain, and the other one seemingly unscathed. What kind of heartless prick would do such a thing, let alone more than once?

One who does not trust and one who is not willing to trust. Who’s walls are so high that no one could get in.

A person who enters a relationship knowing they won’t fully trust the other is selfish. They might have the purest intentions, wishing not to hurt the person, but ultimately that is exactly what is being set up. Over time a relationship develops, emotions strengthen, respect is earned, and love has a chance to blossom. This, however, can only manifest when both parties are comfortable enough to fully trust each other. A relationship cannot flourish on a foundation of mis-trust. This will only lead to failure and pain in the end.

So the question remains, should one allow themselves to fully trust another? Being emotionally closed off has the benefit of negating or reducing the chance or the amount of pain when experienced, but in the end is that really the wisest choice?

I am coming to realise that it probably not. By not trusting, your inner wall works both ways. Not only does it not let anyone in, but it doesn’t let anybody out. You yourself are trapped. You are unable to fully express your raw, unperfect self in all its glory. If you are not trusting, then you are not being 100% yourself. In terms of relationships, you are not giving that relationship a fair shot at being something great. You are denying yourself a crucial element of what it means to be in a relationship; trusting another enough to express yourself fully, without fear of ridicule or embarrassment. You are short changing the experiences that you potentially could be having, due to the fear of pain. You are denying yourself the opportunity to grow as a person, because without some pain, without some pressure, there is no growth. There is no need to grow.

“Hey look over there…….HAPPINESS!”

This is not to say seek pain out in a relationship, but have the courage to take the step to trust someone fully. If pain happens, it happens. Come back stronger from it. But one shouldn’t deny themselves the opportunity to be able to be themselves with another, irregardless of what might happen. If you’re so focused on what MIGHT happen in the future, you are already taking away from the most important time of your life; the present, the right now, the thing right in front of your damn face!

I feel it might be time to start dismantling this wall. It may take a while, seeing as it is as high as Everest but if I chip away at it brick by brick, one day I’m sure I’ll be able to see the world that I’ve denied myself.

Paralysis by analysis!

One big problem I have is I think too much.

How can that be bad? If you think about things you would make great decisions. You wouldn’t just dive into something blind. You would be prepared for anything. That sounds magnificent! DOES IT? DOES IT REALLY? Maybe that does sound good, to a certain degree. But when you combine this with a perfectionist attitude, thinking is all you are doing, literally.

Here in lies my problem. There are so many thoughts, so many ideas, that I get stuck. My mind is like an old computer, running on a processor made of wood and is powered by a hamster wheel. It can’t process every single thing on my mind, let alone at the same time. The moment 2 or 3 things pop into may head summons the blue screen of death and I shut down, literally. I will go stun silent, blank faced and cold. Upon mental reboot I succumb to basic habits such as eating, sleeping, video gaming or movie watching. Running away from the problem. Procrastinating. And then what makes it worse is my awareness and then failure to act upon it. Anxiety and depression kick in and then I shut down. Reboot, and the whole process starts again. This will happen four times a day. Geez, wouldn’t be great if I could just my brain off for good?

Enter inner monologue: “NO, BECAUSE THEN YOU ARE RUNNING AWAY FROM THE PROBLEM AGAIN YOU COWARD!”

Shut down, reboot, devouring of food, procrastinate.

Let’s say I recover from a reboot semi-well, and by semi-well I mean that I decide not to eat, and procrastinate. Let’s say I have an idea, for example making a Youtube channel where I post videos. Or I read a book. Or write something. Let’s say I have these ideas and I go through preliminary steps to get things rolling. Great! That’s awesome!

Enter inner monologue: “Don’t forget this, this is really important to make this thing you are working on be good. It’s not really as good as this persons one. Oh that’s the same idea as this person, and they do it well. You don’t even know how to do this, and that!”

Well………SHIT!

Shut down, reboot, devouring of food, procrastinate.

Defeated by my own mind before it even gets started. I convince myself that it is not good enough to start, so I don’t end up starting. I just think, and think, and think, and (disclaimer; I swear a lot when I’m angry/frustrated/anxious. I’m working on it) FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT. And then I’ll retire to some easy task that won’t contribute to me being a better or more successful person, just to make myself feel better. WHAT A BRAVE MAN! COURAGE JUST OOZES FROM MY BODY! WATCH YOUR STEP BECAUSE YOU MIGHT SLIP FROM ALL THE COURAGE OOZE!

Intra-self reflection moment: “Boy I bitch and moan a lot.”

I feel this is part of the process. There is just so much built up energy and frustration that I need to get it out some how. And I suppose this is a good exercise for me to combat my perfectionist ways. The problem with being an overthinking perfectionist is that nothing gets done……..ever. PARALYSIS BY ANALYSIS (solid title tie in).

So this piece of crap, raw, unedited wall of brain vomit and irrational emotion is probably the best thing to combat my perfectionist ways. I suppose it shows courage in a way. The courage to just put it out there regardless of how good (OR insufferably bad) it is and just work from there. Just start SOMETHING and work from there instead of waiting to start with the perfect foundation because the perfect foundation might never come, and you would just be stuck there, thinking about it and not being about it.

Intra-typing idea: A blog post every day……for a year……(fuck). Nope, I typed it now I have to make it come to pass. So starting today that is 360 blog posts MINIMUM! It doesn’t matter if I don’t feel like, as long as I post SOMETHING. Get in the habit, get it done.

Exit inner monologue.

In conclusion (HO, how academic and articulate did that sound?), “Just do it!” (Nike, circa 19whenever). I pose this challenge to myself, and invite the overthinking perfectionists, or anyone for that matter to just do it. Just start SOMETHING, and have the courage to follow through with it. Don’t be paralysed by your thoughts. Don’t worry if it’s not perfect. Don’t worry if it isn’t polished. Worry that all your ideas won’t come to pass because you thought they were not good enough. Have some faith in your idea and stick by it and see where it takes you.

This is what I am doing right now!

See you tomorrow, Mr Less Perfectionist than yesterday.

– Sash