But I had much to do. SO MUCH!

Ever get the feeling there is not enough hours in the day? You go to bed, and you cannot sleep because you are anxious about all the things that you didn’t get done even though you were on full throttle? Seeing those disgusting unticked boxes on your list that’s mocking you on your bedside table. Feeling like you have been defeated by your own expectations of yourself. It’s like at the end of the day and some random dude floats into your room the second you are about to fall asleep, and slaps you in the face with a certificate. A certificate of “participation”. Remember those back in the day? How degrading was that? I remember looking to the kid beside me in primary school. Big cheesey grin on their face as they brandish their “credit” around.  Only to be out done by that smug kid who keeps asking whether his “distinction” is any good. Little punk. Stupid random floating “participation” certificate distributor man.

“We don’t have the testicular fortitude to tell you that you failed, so have this instead!”

But seriously, do you ever wonder whether you will get it all done? All the work you have for the day, or the week, or the year? What about all the things you want to accomplish in five years? How about ten? How about by the end of your life whenever that may be? I know worrying too far into the future takes away from the present, which is the most important part, but that is still no reason not to have some sort of life structure. Some sort of life plan. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail……or plan to get a “participation” certificate.

It all started with a bucket list challenge. Write down fifty things that you want to accomplish before you go to that big gym in the sky. I could only conjure up twenty four things. But even looking at those twenty four things, I started to question whether or not I would even be able to accomplish all things? I want to be this, and that, and this, and that, and do this and that. All these things, plans, ideas. I want to accomplish these things. I want to experience all these things, and there are so many things. Where do I even start? How do I even start? Is it too late to do some of these things? This is probably a great spot for me to stop typing and refer back to my over-thinking “Paralysis by Analysis” post, but I’m going to keep going and hopefully an idea formulates.

I suppose I would start by looking at the list and ordering them in terms of importance to me. Those are the ones that I will target first. I guess next I’d give myself goals. As much as I hate the “g” word (just from saying way too much, the word doesn’t even look right to me anymore) I know that is what I have to set. If you don’t have direction, if you don’t have a target to funnel your energy then it will go nowhere. An idea without vision is just a dream. Let’s use the ever popular example of buying a house, or an apartment. The way you would approach it is to see how much it costs. See how much a deposit is, and calculate how much money you need. Then look at what you earn, and see how long you estimate it would take to save that money if you put some away each week. Now you have an idea and a direction and a time frame.

Another way to look at it might be to work backwards. Let’s say I want to be an engineer. Ok, how do you become an engineer? Well you go an study engineering. Ok, where? At this university. Ok, how do you get into that university? You do this, this and this etc. So all of a sudden you have created this visual route, or idea of how you are going to get to where you want. And then you would do this for all the things on your list. Constructing visual routes or timelines for all your life goals. You may choose to hit the little ones first and then tackle the big ones. You may find that some overlap. You may find that you accomplish one without even realising it. You may find you accomplish some faster than you anticipated.

The secret I suppose is just to get started. Get things in motion because the hardest part is to get things moving. Think about pushing a massive rock. At first that massive goal rock is not going to move. You keep pushing, keep applying pressure to it. Next thing you know you start seeing movement, it’s slow but it’s noticeable. Now it’s starting to make some considerable progress. Now it’s moving and you are hardly pushing it. Next thing you know you have lost your giant rock because it has gained so much momentum and now it has smashed some poor guys car that was one day away from being paid off.

“Pfft, I can push that. Hold my beer!”

I invite you to write a list of those things that you desire from this life, and have a think about what you have to do to achieve them. Even Don’t be scared and don’t rush it. Grab a cup a coffee, your ye olde quill and note pad and make sweet love to the page. Even do a timeline of when you expect to accomplish it. It will make it that more real and believable and that much more achievable to you. I’ve got a lot of timelines to do; twenty four to be precise and there is no way  in hell that I’m going to get a “participation” in this lifetime again.

– Sash

To feel alive!

Nothing makes me feel more alive than running. When I am running, I am free. I am worry free. I am care free. Nothing else matters at that precise moment because I am so in the moment that there is no room for anything else. I’m sure many have experienced this feeling, maybe not with running but with something else. You know that feeling when something you are passionate about has your full focus, your full attention? You are so enticed by it you forget what time it is. You are so entranced by it that you forget to eat. You are so in the moment that you forget to sleep. You might even forget what day it is. Loud sounds become dull hums. Your vision becomes clearer than normal. You see things that you have never seen before. You notice things that you have never noticed before. All of a sudden those little things that plague your mind day to day become non-existent. You are in the moment. You are alive, in that delicious moment.

“I LOVE THIS DELICIOUS MOMENT!”

Running allows me to access this state of mind, especially when I am running hard. If you are familiar with running or any physical activity you will know that more often than not, your mind determines the outcome of your success or failure. Your mind will always give up before your body does. It is your job to train your mind to push the body where it has never gone before. And it is your attitude that will drive your mind to push the body. If you start a training session all sulky, thinking about how long this chore is going to take, then you are more than likely going to have a terrible session. You have walked in with a negative mind set, and have set yourself up for failure because you are more likely to quit when it starts getting hard. However, if you walk into your session excited to hit a new personal best, you are more likely going to have a great session because  when it starts getting hard, you will push yourself out of your comfort zone. And what lies beyond your comfort zone? LIFE!

Now this can apply to anything that you do. Think about your job. If it’s Monday and you have Friday on your mind, there is a good chance that you are going to have a less than stellar week. You are going to come to work, be negative,  and do a worse job than you otherwise would. Then you will  sulk at the end of the day because you have four more days of sulking before you can self medicate yourself with something that will help you forget your previous week of sulking, so you can proceed to the next week (which you hope won’t consist of more sulking). Rinse repeat. However, let’s say you walk into work with a mindset that you are going to smash through today’s workload in record time, so you can enjoy the coming weekend knowing that you earned that sweet, sweet time off. Chances are you might feel a little better about the week, and more importantly, with yourself.

Running is the soil for which my positive attitude seed can sprout and flourish. When I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, when I feel my legs are on fire is when I know that alive state of mind is about to kick in (extra alive points for when it starts raining or storming).  I look for that pain and discomfort because I know what is to follow. If I give up because it starts getting hard, or because my legs hurt, or because I can’t breathe then I know I am not truly alive because I am not pushing myself. If I know I am not pushing myself then I am not being the strongest version of myself. I need to push myself because that is the attitude I need to feel alive. I need that attitude to carry over in all aspects of my life in order to be the strongest me. If I do not push myself right now, I will not push myself later in other life tasks. There is no better time than right now, when I’m in pain and thoughts of stopping kick in. In order to live you must move and keep moving.  But in order to be alive, you must move, and move in a forwards direction. If you are not moving, you are not alive, and if you are not alive then what are you?

So what makes you feel alive? You should do it right now!

“I’M ALIVE!”

– Sash

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, it’s your big fat ego!

I summon the definition of “ego” from the reputable depths of Wikipedia. My university tutors would be so proud.

“Ego” is a Latin and Greek word meaning “I” and is often used to mean the “self”, “identity”, and other related concepts.” – Wikipedia

For most I believe that definition seems a little vague and it’s one of those words in which you know what it is, but have a difficult time explaining exactly what it is. We all have one, but  I’m sure one time or another we have heard “Oh, don’t they have a big ego?” and we generally associate that as being a bad or unattractive thing. No one likes that person who is so up themselves that they can see their own food being digested. We associate people with “egos” as having an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Keeping in mind we all have an ego. It’s just they vary in size from person to person, and depending on the situation can be helpful or detrimental.

Now having an ego, can be a dangerous thing, especially when it’s so inflated that you start levitating. Let’s take the gym for example (because that’s where I learn EVERYTHING). There are two types of egos that can be witnessed.

The first are the “wankers”. I’m not even going to sugar coat it because we have probably all seen these guys, whether it be in the enclosure of the gymnasium, or out in the wild public. They wear their egos for the world to see. The wanker is fairly easy to spot. Just observe its walk. The wanker walk is characterised by a fully erect spine, an extremely proud chest which is further advertised by the pulling back of the shoulders. This is accompanied by the exaggerated lateral arm flair which would assimilate a mammal who thought it had wings but had no idea how to flap them. Now add a standard strutted walk and you have the wanker walk. These are the guys who thing they are king shit. Who think they are cock of the walk and that they are the greatest thing since squats and oats.

The second are the “humbles”. I call them this because they come from humble beginnings. They just want to build some muscle, or get their abs showing. More often than not they are the guys who are the newer of the gym goers. They are just doing their thing, getting comfortable with the gym and are getting a taste of the lifting experience. But even the humble humbles are not immune to the aura of the ego. These are the guys to whom wish to speak to. Now let’s say you are doing your thing. You have your lifting plan, and are working the plan like a champ. Next thing you see (and hear) are the wildebeest moans of a wanker, throwing around some ungodly weight that you have trouble even counting to.

You look at his weight, and then back at your weight. You look at his weight again, and back to your weight. Where are you? You’re in your ego, and it’s playing tennis, back and forth. Do you play with your “childs” weight, or do you upgrade to “man” weight? “I can lift that” you tell yourself as you approach the weight. Your hands are shaking but your ego tells you it’s from excitement, so you fear nothing for you are a man. You grab and pick the weight up. Two tickets to Gainsville you tell yourself. Look again, the tickets are now a deliciously regrettable injury. You my friend, have just injured your back and are out of the game for 6 weeks minimum. Plenty of time for your ego to recover from the stitches it  acquired from its laughing fit.

Light weight baby!

Now I myself am guilty of being a “humble” at one point or another. It was not until I injured myself that the phrase “check your ego at the door” really hit home. Since then, I stick to my routine and do not lift beyond what I know I can lift. I don’t care if Egosaurus Rex is lifting the entire gym up, or if the obligatory dolled up female gym bunny who can wear a pair of yoga pants to the absolute limit walks past. I stick to what I can do and do it well.

Let’s apply this information to the real world.

Now remember everyone has an ego, it’s just some people’s egos are the size of an earthworm, and others are the size of the Earth. Becuase the ego isn’t a “physical” thing does not mean it canot have consequenccens to your everyday life. Your ego might be hurting you without you even knowing it. It might be hurting your chances at a job promotion. Or your chances with that girl or guy you like. It might be hurting friendships because there is not enough room for you and your ego. People can pick out those who they think have egos the size of Mars in an instant and they are going to treat you in different ways according to their “ego meters”. Now without you even saying or acting, you are closing doors and opportunities without you even realising it. Your potential is being limited. What wonderful life experiences are you missing out on, all because you put yourself so high upon a pedestal. You are no different or better than anyone else. We all breathe the same, we all bleed the same. The only person you should be competing with is yourself. The only person you should be trying to beat today, is the person of yesterday. So for the sake of everyone else, and yourself, perhaps take that ego down a few notches. The world will thank you.

Check that ego at the door dudes and dudettes.

– Sash

To trust, or not to trust!

HE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!

Trust!

Reliance on another person. Trust seems to be an integral part of life. Without trust in other, how could you expect to things to get done. I assume there are different types of trust. For example you trust the trolley man or the garbage man to come and remove and relocate trolleys or garbage to a more desirable location so we don’t have to worry about it. But then you can trust someone keep your deepest, darkest and most embarrassing secrets. One can even trust another with their life. It would seem trust is necessary in order to survive and flourish.

On the other hand, not trusting people has its own survival and flourishing attributes. Not trusting a untrustworthy person could save you from making grave mistakes. Sometimes it’s not the best idea to tell gossip hungry harpies the inner workings of your relationship. Next thing you know you’re walking down the street and someone asks you what you did to cure your foot fungus.Reliance on another person. Trust seems to be an integral part of life. Without trust in other, how could you expect to things to get done. I assume there are different types of trust. For example you trust the trolley man or the garbage man to come and remove and relocate trolleys or garbage to a more desirable location so we don’t have to worry about it. But then you can trust someone keep your deepest, darkest and most embarrassing secrets. One can even trust another with their life. It would seem trust is necessary in order to survive and flourish.

But then there is a third hand. What would be the implications of not trusting a trustworthy person? Would you be shooting yourself in the foot? Would you be closing potential opportunities for personal growth and development? Not trusting keeps you safe from the potential threat of pain or embarrassment..

Now why the hell did I bring up this topic? I have trust issues.

Why?

To make a long story short, when I was in my teenage years my father thought it would be a good idea to stop thinking with his brain and start thinking with an alternative appendage. An even greater idea would be to add 4 additional step siblings to the mix. For obvious reasons I like to dissociate myself from people who’s dick and brain have swapped roles.

Weird thought – Imagine if your brain was the shape of a penis and your penis (when applicable) was the shape of your brain……….food for thought when your mind is bored.

Anyway, after that said experience I had trusting issues. How could I trust anyone if I couldn’t even trust my own father? I still had trust in my mother and sister, but even that wasn’t 100%. Carry this mis-trusting attitude to future (and now past) relationships. How do you think they turned out? Terrible! It’s not that they were bad relationships where they stood and the people in them were not bad. In fact they are some of the most amazing, trustworthy people I’ve met. The reason they ended terribly is because I didn’t trust them 100%. They trusted me, but I fell short in the trust department. As people may or may not know, but the person who trusts less (or consequently invests less emotion into the relationship) holds more power in the relationship.

Why?

Because the person who has invested more has more to lose. If you don’t trust someone 100%, if you don’t emotionally invest into the relationship 100% then when that relationship is on the ropes, it’s easier for the less invested person to cut their loses and move on than it is for the person who has invested so much. What makes things even worse is if it is the less invested person who initiates the breaking up. They have protected themselves with two shields: the mistrusting shield and the break up initiation shield. Combine these to together and you will end up with one person in heartbreaking pain, and the other one seemingly unscathed. What kind of heartless prick would do such a thing, let alone more than once?

One who does not trust and one who is not willing to trust. Who’s walls are so high that no one could get in.

A person who enters a relationship knowing they won’t fully trust the other is selfish. They might have the purest intentions, wishing not to hurt the person, but ultimately that is exactly what is being set up. Over time a relationship develops, emotions strengthen, respect is earned, and love has a chance to blossom. This, however, can only manifest when both parties are comfortable enough to fully trust each other. A relationship cannot flourish on a foundation of mis-trust. This will only lead to failure and pain in the end.

So the question remains, should one allow themselves to fully trust another? Being emotionally closed off has the benefit of negating or reducing the chance or the amount of pain when experienced, but in the end is that really the wisest choice?

I am coming to realise that it probably not. By not trusting, your inner wall works both ways. Not only does it not let anyone in, but it doesn’t let anybody out. You yourself are trapped. You are unable to fully express your raw, unperfect self in all its glory. If you are not trusting, then you are not being 100% yourself. In terms of relationships, you are not giving that relationship a fair shot at being something great. You are denying yourself a crucial element of what it means to be in a relationship; trusting another enough to express yourself fully, without fear of ridicule or embarrassment. You are short changing the experiences that you potentially could be having, due to the fear of pain. You are denying yourself the opportunity to grow as a person, because without some pain, without some pressure, there is no growth. There is no need to grow.

“Hey look over there…….HAPPINESS!”

This is not to say seek pain out in a relationship, but have the courage to take the step to trust someone fully. If pain happens, it happens. Come back stronger from it. But one shouldn’t deny themselves the opportunity to be able to be themselves with another, irregardless of what might happen. If you’re so focused on what MIGHT happen in the future, you are already taking away from the most important time of your life; the present, the right now, the thing right in front of your damn face!

I feel it might be time to start dismantling this wall. It may take a while, seeing as it is as high as Everest but if I chip away at it brick by brick, one day I’m sure I’ll be able to see the world that I’ve denied myself.