The Death of a Friend

Today I attended the funeral of a young lady that I knew in primary school. When I heard the news about her passing I couldn’t believe it. Here was a twenty five year old girl, coming into her stride in her career and relationship, and just like that, she is gone.  It reminds me of how fragile life is, and how lucky we all are to be alive right now. At any moment the roulette wheel could stop on your name, and in the blink of an eye you cease to physically exist. And it can be from anything. Perhaps you slip in the shower. Perhaps someone loses concentration in their car for one second. Perhaps you have a stroke. All these things in one way or another are out of your control, and we are left to the mercy of chance. The fact that I am alive right now and typing this is incredible, because I have “dodged” that chance wheel from stopping on my name for twenty five years. I hope I can continue to do so.

This has been the second funeral that I have attended in my lifetime, and even though I did not truly know her in her adult life, it was no less difficult to get through. Seeing the tears of family members, friends, partners all in one place can be overwhelming, but I found myself being able to hold it together. I don’t think it has truly sunk in yet because I still cannot believe it. It was not until the speeches when I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and tears forming in my eyes. You come to realise all the nonsense we worry about in life means absolutely nothing when something like this happens. You come to realise that the things you take for granted, even your friends and family, are the most important things in this world at the end of the day. That fight you had about nothing, that opportunity at work you missed, that car you don’t have, that inheritance you did not receive. All these things are so insignificantly small in comparison to the relationships you build with people. I’m beginning to see it more clearly. I just wish it didn’t take the death of someone to realise it.

During the service many things were going through my mind. When her father spoke I tried to think what he must be feeling. To have lost his flesh and blood that he and his wife so proudly brought into the world and nurtured with love and care. I can only imagine as I listen to his speech that he wrote. He even apologised that he might not be able to elaborate on the points, and that he might only be able to stick to the speech. You could see he was hurting bad. You could feel it. To me he was doing so well. I don’t think that I would have been able to keep it together like he did. I think I would just shut down as I internally curse the sky even when I know my child would have me do otherwise. I have the utmost respect for her father. You could see he was proud and I bet she would’ve been proud too.

When her partner spoke, she spoke how she had lost the person who gave her a reason for waking up in the morning, and falling asleep at night. How she lost her best friend, and sunshine. How she lost the love of her life. How she lost the person that brought her the most happiness she had ever experienced in her entire life. I tried to feel how she must have felt while she wept as she gave her speech. To have someone you love with all your heart, who you spend every day and night with. Someone who truly knows you, and loves you back. Who makes you a better person, and helps pick you up when you are going through a dark patch. Who is everything to you. To wake up the next day, to find that they are no longer in that bed with you when you roll over. That they are no longer on the end of that telephone number. That they are no longer there for you to joke with, cry with, laugh with or have fun with. How must that feel? I started to lose it at the end. Her partner placed a flower petal on the coffin and then walked half way across the room. She then stopped and looked back on the coffin, knowing that would be the last time she would be physically near one of the most important people in her life. That is when her partner really lost it, and I lost it too.

When her brother spoke, he spoke of many of the things her partner did however it hit me harder when he said it. When he spoke of his big sister, I could not help but think of my little sister. I think I was able to better feel what he must have been as he spoke. I thought what I would be feeling, if it was me up there, talking about my sister in front of all these people. What would I be saying, or failing to say because I would be in such agony? I didn’t entertain the thought for very long, as the thought of losing my sister was enough stress on my heart. All I can say is I would not be doing too well.

Finally I tried to visualise what it would be like if I was the one in that coffin? What effect would my death have on the people who I have come into contact with? It’s a grim thing to think of but I couldn’t help it. If I died tomorrow, how much of a ripple effect would it have on the worlds of the people I have known? Of course it would be terrible thing, but I cannot help but think what I will be remembered for. I would like to think that when I leave this place that I have had a positive impact on the worlds that I was a part of. I would like to think if I helped the people that I knew, or even didn’t know, in at least one way that my life would not have been a wasted life. I know I am often hard on myself, always feeling disappointed with myself because I am not achieving the best that I think that I should be. But I think that if my life helped or inspired someone in some way then it was not all for nothing. I also hope that when I die, my death helps people to realise things that they did not once realise. I hope that their lives become better with these realisations and that they are able to live their lives to the fullest for me. I hope they realise the beauty in their lives just like I have through my friends’ passing. I hope that they come to realise that although I am not physically alive, I am still alive within them, guiding their future actions in some way. I hope they realise that I do not wish for them to be sad. I hope when my time comes and people are sitting at my funeral that they remember something stupid that I have done or said that made them laugh and in turn make them laugh at that moment. That would mean a lot to me.

Thank you Vicky, for making me appreciate my life and to realise its beauty.

I hope you rest in peace.

Love Sash

When a Simple Dinner changes your Life!

You know when you think you know everyone? I don’t mean you know every single person in the world, but you think you know all the types of people in the world. You put people into categories as they share this trait, or that characteristic. It allows you to make quick judgements based on a few observations whether it be from their walk, their mannerisms, their beliefs and so on. But every once in a while there those who you meet that surprise you. They make you question your knowledge of others. They make you add a new category into your category system. Sometimes for the worse, but sometimes for the better.

From my trip last week I was lucky enough to have experienced the company of two lovely people, who I have had to create a new category for. Currently this category is unnamed and it shall remain that way as I feel it would be an injustice to how amazing they are. If you must, find your thesaurus and look up the word “amazing.” I feel this is an accurate word to describe these two.

Now, I am not one for fancy, expensive, gourmet dinners produced by the most renowned chefs who are so fancy in the pantsy they name their restaurants after their first name. Give me a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and I’m good to go. Hell, forget the spoon, I have hands. But during my trip to Melbourne, I was lucky enough to be involved in a dinner that I will not soon forget.

Cutlery? You mean hands?

These two people only know me via friend association, that is, they were friends of friends. However, I was treated as if I was a very close friend, even a best friend. At least that is I how I felt. My friends and I were there for dinner and we were treated to refreshing water, and delicious corn chips (including gluten free chips) with salsa as a starter. Pizza would be headlining tonight, and I’m not talking about your store bought, frozen, cheap imitation of what a pizza should be. This was to be a real pizza. Made from scratch. Even the dough bases (some regular and some gluten and starch free) were built from the ground up. Never did I realise how many extra ingredients were needed to construct a gluten free dough. But this humble abode catered for both. While the man of the house battled the dough, fist to dough face style, the lady of the house was making the dessert; ice-cream. Armed with cream, sugar and a whisk (among other things) this lady was creating this cream of ice from scratch as well. In the midst of all this, my friends and I were welcomed and humbly encouraged  to taste some house apple cider, made from the apples from the tree in the backyard. Never before had I experienced so many homemade food items.

Next, we had the difficult task of choosing, from a buffet of ingredients, the toppings which to grace our own dough slabs with. All your typical toppings where there for the taking including mushrooms, onions, mozzarella cheese (and gluten free cheese), ham, and gourmet salami. There were even some choices I had never thought of decorating a pizza with such as pumpkin, spinach and anchovies.

While decoration time is happening the room is filled with storytelling, laughter and conversations. I’m talking real conversations and not your extended and polite head nodding of acknowledgement small talk. Real conversations. It was such a refreshing breath of fresh air. I know it might seem strange to think so highly of this, but I have to say I appreciated it so much. Such a contrast it is to the kinds of “conversations” I have at home.

In between stories, the man of the house is darting back and forth between the outside barbecue and the indoor oven. Never have I seen someone care so much for the status of my food. Each pizza was to be cooked just right, and that’s exactly how they were done, and they were absolutely delicious. I was even offered a couple of beers courtesy of the house to drink with the man. I felt more than welcome. I am lost for words with how good it felt to have been accepted into such a lovely home the way that I was. Already in food heaven, bowls of ice-cream graced the table, and our lips. Never before had I tried a “Blue Magic” topping before, but combined with this homemade ice-cream all I can say is Peters or Bulla or Ben and Jerry’s had better watch their backs.

Don’t you just want to roll around in it? Trick question! Of course you do!

After dinner I was offered the sofa bed for peaceful night slumber. I was even given the opportunity to switch off the resident fish’s water filter for the night so that it would not disturb me. I’m sure that fish was not overly fond with sharing the living area with me. Upon awakening the next morning, a note alerted us that we were welcome to anything in the house for breakfast, including a freshly cut pineapple, grape, apple and watermelon fruit salad prepared by the lady herself. In addition, as I returned from my morning run, in unfortunately freezing typhonic weather, I was offered to use the house’s hot water shower and towels. To witness and be a apart of such hospitality, generosity and company I feel truly lucky and blessed. I have never meet the kind of people that I did  on that Melbourne trip and before then never thought these kinds of people existed.

On my trip I met many people, and learned many things, about others and about myself, especially from these two individuals. The experience made me realise that in the grand scheme of things, I know very little about people. It made me realise that some people are inherently good and are willing to help even when it might be inconvenient for them. It made me realise that generosity is out there, and that I myself wish to be more generous in the future, whether it be in giving my resources, knowledge or time to others. It made me realise that I wish to aspire to be as good an individual as these two people. They make me want to be more like them and aspire to treat others the same way.

If they happen to read this I would like to take the opportunity to thank them again. Thank you for taking me into your home and treating me the way you did. It was not unappreciated. Thank you for the great memories, experiences and stories which you have shared with me. My life is now richer from it. I can honestly say if there were more people in the world like you two, the world would be a better place.

I hope this story finds you well. Keep being amazing.

– Sash

Let’s Go on A Trip (the good kind)!

So half way through this year I will be travelling to Spain to partake in the pilgrimage that is the El Camino De Santiago. This trip will officially be my first trip away from my home country. It shall be my first time off this hot little (it’s not really that little, that’s what she said) Australian rock and into the world unknown. A chance to experience new things, meet new people, and acquire a new set of eyes that will change the way I see myself and the world. Shakespeare would have trouble describing my excitement.

“Doth ones excitement appear to be inspiring the ascension of the front of thou’s trouserpants?”

I didn’t really make a resolution this year as I do not strongly believe in them, but I do believe in changes of attitude. This year’s attitude will be characterised by adventuring into unknown and being open to new experiences. This is a complete contrast to my regular attitude of being content where I am and being content on what I know. Adventuring into the unknown is more than just physically taking myself to places I never been. For me it is about leaving my mental and emotional comfort zone. What lies beyond my comfort zone is unknown and I believe that it is that unknown territory to be where real life and adventure lies. I won’t experience what life has to offer sitting in a four walled room, staring at a screen all day, and neither will you. Life and experience is out there and I’m missing out on it, but not tomorrow!

Here is a highly structured and accurate manuscript of the in depth back and forth debate my friend and myself had two days ago:

“Let’s go on a trip!”

“Ok!”

Sometimes it can be as easy as that. Tomorrow I’m doing just that. A whole days worth of driving for two days in a foreign city. Who knows what kind of mischief, trouble and adventure I will get into? Who knows the kinds of people I will meet, or the experiences that I will experience? Who knows what kind of attitude or ideas I’ll leave the city with? Who knows the great or terrible stories I will have to tell at the dinner table? Definitely not me, and I’m excited about that.

“And then I rode a dragon to the moon, and because my dragon was hungry for some cheese it took a bite out of the moon. True story!”

I can visualise people saying they just don’t have the time, and this could very well be true if you are thinking of a big trip that you are unable to commit to right now. But a trip doesn’t have to be this big, long, glamorous journey that can only be experienced by first hopping into the stomach walls of an iron bird. It can be a half a day drive somewhere you haven’t been. It can be a couple hours. It can be couple minutes. There is no set time, nor is the length of time that important. What is more important is the action of getting out of the house, having a big, medium or small break and just going somewhere else. Physically taking your body out of a place of routine and familiarity, and putting it somewhere else for a little while. Exposing it to the elements for that brief moment. If there is someone who you would like to roll in the experience with, grab them. And even if there is no one to hit it up with you, talk to yourself out loud and repeat the following or something similar:

“Let’s go on a trip, to our back yard.”

“Let’s go on a trip, to that park down the road that we have never been to.”

“Let’s go on a trip, via shanks’ pony (Scottish colloquial meaning transport via ones legs/feet) around ye olde block or yonder.”

“That’s the shanks’ pony spirit guys!”

Any of those three trips would suffice. Just getting out and going somewhere you haven’t been, or haven’t been to in a while. Great old memories might resurface and new ones may be born. You may see something you had not seen before. You may think of things you have never thought before. The world might provide you with an idea, or inspiration that you have never had before. Look out your window, and go there. Walk to the park. Walk in the street. Walk in your backyard. Look around at the world around you. Notice things. Close your eyes and listen to the sounds around you. Smell the fragrances and odours around you. Touch things. Take pictures of things. Record things, ideas, thoughts, observations. If you’re at work, at a desk right now (firstly, I am honoured that are choosing to read this during work hours) perhaps stand up and walk up and down the case of stairs once. Maybe ride the elevator to the top level, and down to the bottom level. Have that little trip. Who knows what happens?

Remember, a trip can be anywhere, even as far a distance as your backyard or veranda. Treat your trip as a holiday and do what most do on their holidays; absolutely nothing. People often take trips to get away from the normal responsibilities they have in life, if even for that brief moment. They take trips to relax. Treat your small trips the same way, and do nothing for a little while. Take the time to breathe, and slow down and see a new world through new eyes.

Catch you all later with my new eyes.

Now go treat yourself to a trip.

– Sash

Living Life in the Limbo Lane!

Limbo.

That strange and depressing feeling that you get when you feel that you are alive, but are not living. You are just existing in time and space. You’re moving but standing still and going nowhere. You feel like you are not controlling what is happening around you. Something else is controlling you to do things, or even worse, not do things. You feel guilty everyday about not accomplishing as much as you think you should. You compare yourself to others who are doing something with their lives and you envy them. They might not be happy but they are at least doing something. Better to be unhappy doing something than unhappy doing nothing, right? At least by doing something you are exposing yourself to the elements of life that might spark that one idea that could change everything. Just the action of giving your physical body to the world, to other people, and to other experiences seems like a step in the right direction. All these great characters in movies start from somewhere and it isn’t until they have this life big adventure that things in their life start moving

We should blaze this trail!

.Have you ever watched a movie, and wish that you were a character in that world? Sure the characters might live in a dangerous environment but their lives are filled with drive, direction, meaning, and purpose. They are having the adventure of their lives where they learn about themselves and the world, and come back as different people, for better or for worse. I know I have wished to be a character in so many worlds. I wished to be a Samurai after watching “The Last Samurai”. To commit myself to a life of discipline, to master my art and to be at peace with my body, mind and spirit. I wished to be a Pokemon trainer and have adventures with my dragon Pokemon companions. To fly to different places, battle other Pokemon trainers, defeat gym leaders and be the very best (like no one ever was).  I wished to be a wizard in the Harry Potter universe, to hone my skills, teach others the ways of magic and be known as a wise wizard. I wished I was the ability to bend earth, water, fire or air like Ang or Korra in the Avatar series.  I wished I had the power to teleport anywhere at will like Nightcrawler in X-men, or like Hayden Christensen in “Jumper”. I could be atop Mount Everest in the morning, Okinawa Japan at lunch, and Rio De Janeiro at night.

Want to go to Egypt now? Give me two seconds to get my coat!

The closest I’ve become to being someone else was in the virtual world of Azeroth in the Warcraft Universe. World of Warcraft was the opportunity to be someone else. The opportunity for a fresh start where no one knew who you were, what you looked like, what your age or gender was, what your occupation was, what your education was. None of that mattered. You were your in-game avatar and nothing else mattered. You had the chance to be a brave warrior, a cunning rogue or an intelligent mage to name a few. What you think you lacked in the real world could be personified in the character that you played. If you were not a brave and strong person you would have the opportunity to be one in the game. You even had a story to follow, and an adventure to embark on where you would decide how your adventure unfolded. You would fight great foes in dangerous dungeons with other great warriors being piloted by other real life people around the world. Friendships would develop and you would go on adventures together and have great stories to tell, even if it was in a world of pixels. I think from all of this it, is lack of adventure that it making me so depressed. The lack of the “new”. I don’t know at what point that I stopped wanting to experience new things and stop learning. To just go through life being content and thinking that what I knew was enough to get by and that I had experienced all that life had to offer.

I have never traveled out of my country of birth: Australia. I have spent all 25 years of my life on this island with no interest in travel, at least that is what I have been telling myself. When people talk of travel the first thing that comes to my mind is wondering how much it cost. What does this cost, what does that cost? A person I used to know told me many times that I should just travel, it does not matter where. Because there I will be experiencing things that I would not have otherwise been exposed to and I will most likely see life and myself in a different perspective.

This year I will be travelling for the first time. I will be going to Spain and will be partaking in the pilgrimage known as the El Camino de Santiago. I am in no shape or form religious but I feel a good thirty to forty days of just walking will give me a great opportunity to reflect, meet new people and just have an adventure for the first time in my life. Maybe it might even be better than the ones in the movies that I watch. Who knows?  I think it is adventure that I yearn for. I think this is what I need, and I’m going to make it happen.

ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

– Sash