The Death of a Friend

Today I attended the funeral of a young lady that I knew in primary school. When I heard the news about her passing I couldn’t believe it. Here was a twenty five year old girl, coming into her stride in her career and relationship, and just like that, she is gone.  It reminds me of how fragile life is, and how lucky we all are to be alive right now. At any moment the roulette wheel could stop on your name, and in the blink of an eye you cease to physically exist. And it can be from anything. Perhaps you slip in the shower. Perhaps someone loses concentration in their car for one second. Perhaps you have a stroke. All these things in one way or another are out of your control, and we are left to the mercy of chance. The fact that I am alive right now and typing this is incredible, because I have “dodged” that chance wheel from stopping on my name for twenty five years. I hope I can continue to do so.

This has been the second funeral that I have attended in my lifetime, and even though I did not truly know her in her adult life, it was no less difficult to get through. Seeing the tears of family members, friends, partners all in one place can be overwhelming, but I found myself being able to hold it together. I don’t think it has truly sunk in yet because I still cannot believe it. It was not until the speeches when I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and tears forming in my eyes. You come to realise all the nonsense we worry about in life means absolutely nothing when something like this happens. You come to realise that the things you take for granted, even your friends and family, are the most important things in this world at the end of the day. That fight you had about nothing, that opportunity at work you missed, that car you don’t have, that inheritance you did not receive. All these things are so insignificantly small in comparison to the relationships you build with people. I’m beginning to see it more clearly. I just wish it didn’t take the death of someone to realise it.

During the service many things were going through my mind. When her father spoke I tried to think what he must be feeling. To have lost his flesh and blood that he and his wife so proudly brought into the world and nurtured with love and care. I can only imagine as I listen to his speech that he wrote. He even apologised that he might not be able to elaborate on the points, and that he might only be able to stick to the speech. You could see he was hurting bad. You could feel it. To me he was doing so well. I don’t think that I would have been able to keep it together like he did. I think I would just shut down as I internally curse the sky even when I know my child would have me do otherwise. I have the utmost respect for her father. You could see he was proud and I bet she would’ve been proud too.

When her partner spoke, she spoke how she had lost the person who gave her a reason for waking up in the morning, and falling asleep at night. How she lost her best friend, and sunshine. How she lost the love of her life. How she lost the person that brought her the most happiness she had ever experienced in her entire life. I tried to feel how she must have felt while she wept as she gave her speech. To have someone you love with all your heart, who you spend every day and night with. Someone who truly knows you, and loves you back. Who makes you a better person, and helps pick you up when you are going through a dark patch. Who is everything to you. To wake up the next day, to find that they are no longer in that bed with you when you roll over. That they are no longer on the end of that telephone number. That they are no longer there for you to joke with, cry with, laugh with or have fun with. How must that feel? I started to lose it at the end. Her partner placed a flower petal on the coffin and then walked half way across the room. She then stopped and looked back on the coffin, knowing that would be the last time she would be physically near one of the most important people in her life. That is when her partner really lost it, and I lost it too.

When her brother spoke, he spoke of many of the things her partner did however it hit me harder when he said it. When he spoke of his big sister, I could not help but think of my little sister. I think I was able to better feel what he must have been as he spoke. I thought what I would be feeling, if it was me up there, talking about my sister in front of all these people. What would I be saying, or failing to say because I would be in such agony? I didn’t entertain the thought for very long, as the thought of losing my sister was enough stress on my heart. All I can say is I would not be doing too well.

Finally I tried to visualise what it would be like if I was the one in that coffin? What effect would my death have on the people who I have come into contact with? It’s a grim thing to think of but I couldn’t help it. If I died tomorrow, how much of a ripple effect would it have on the worlds of the people I have known? Of course it would be terrible thing, but I cannot help but think what I will be remembered for. I would like to think that when I leave this place that I have had a positive impact on the worlds that I was a part of. I would like to think if I helped the people that I knew, or even didn’t know, in at least one way that my life would not have been a wasted life. I know I am often hard on myself, always feeling disappointed with myself because I am not achieving the best that I think that I should be. But I think that if my life helped or inspired someone in some way then it was not all for nothing. I also hope that when I die, my death helps people to realise things that they did not once realise. I hope that their lives become better with these realisations and that they are able to live their lives to the fullest for me. I hope they realise the beauty in their lives just like I have through my friends’ passing. I hope that they come to realise that although I am not physically alive, I am still alive within them, guiding their future actions in some way. I hope they realise that I do not wish for them to be sad. I hope when my time comes and people are sitting at my funeral that they remember something stupid that I have done or said that made them laugh and in turn make them laugh at that moment. That would mean a lot to me.

Thank you Vicky, for making me appreciate my life and to realise its beauty.

I hope you rest in peace.

Love Sash

Awesome people are awesome, so be awesome!

In my last post I talked about the importance of surrounding yourself with people who make you a better person, or “awesome people”. Awesome people can be found anywhere. They could taking out your trash. They could be packing your bags. They could be waiting your tables. Teaching your children. Cutting your hair. They can be absolute strangers who you have never met before. You may only know them for a day, or a few hours, or even a few seconds. It might be that random runner that you pass who sneaks in a quick “keep going” or head nod. It might be that person that tells you that everything is going to be alright when you are feeling down. Or, it might be a crowd of people you don’t know, cheering you on when you are giving it your all. These are awesome people. People which help or at least try to help you to become the strongest version of yourself whether it be in the realms of mind, body, or spirit.

“SURROUND ME, AWESOME THINGS!”

I witnessed many awesome people yesterday, and I myself participated in being an awesome person. I decided to watch a powerlifting meet as I myself shall be competing in one in a couple weeks. Lifters of all shapes and sizes were there. All ages. All ethnicities. All genders, all two of them. Each lifter, there to test their strength after spending weeks, months, years and even decades, of disciplined training, nutrition and recovery. Each lifter, doing what they love to do. And each lifter, having a supportive cheer squad to back them up during a long grinding lift and to applaud the effort whether it was a good lift or not.

This is the type of environment that I was talking about. The type of environment in which to surround yourself in. It did not matter if you were a male or female lifting 40kgs or 260kgs. There was a 45 year old woman who pulled 170kg off the ground and a 16 year old boy with 100kgs on his back. But none of that mattered. Each and every lift the crowd and fellow competitors were behind you, egging you on. Yelling and screaming for you to push, pull and drive with all your might when your legs are shaking and your face resembles a tomato. It did not matter if you were male or female, Russian or Asian, young or old. Each competitor there was there to give their best and everyone was there to see them get their best. There was no bad sportsmanship, no cheering for a missed lift, but rather applause for the effort of the lift. When a lifter was hitting that 10 second grinder rep where your mind comes to the crossroads of whether to stop or commit to the lift, people would be out of their chairs yelling “UP UP UP”, “GO GO GO” and they would take you to the end. And the cheering and applause when that lifter finishes the lift, just amazing. Even more amazing was the boyfriend who was literally jumping out of his shoes, clenching his fist and punching it to the sky when his girlfriend pressed a new personal record over her head.

I was waiting for this to happen.

I imagine it to be a similar feeling that hardcore sports fans have when they are cheering for their favourite team. The only difference here is you are cheering for everyone, as everyone wants to see you get that weight up. They want to help and see you hit that new personal record. They want to help and see you doing your best and being your strongest.

The whole meet is a big support base. From the spotters preventing you from being crushed when you fail to lift a weight, to the referees telling you where you went wrong in your lift. From the coaches helping you mentally prepare, to the other lifters giving you advice to help you on your next lift. The whole meet is one place where many awesome people congregate and help you kick ass. The powerlifiting community is one of the most supportive communities I’ve ever seen. No one is there to bring you down, only raise you up. I’m excited to become a part of it when I complete my first ever meet. I know I’ll have my training partner, my gym friends, and the crowd behind me, cheering me on and yelling at me to keep going when the lift gets tough. And I’ll be there to do the same.

At the end of the day, we all want to be the strongest and best versions of ourselves. I feel the best way to do that is by associating yourself with awesome people and getting amongst it, and not sitting on the sideline. I myself have been sitting on the sideline for too long. The time for thinking and wishing has past. The time for doing, that’s the time right now. I feel  this experience is going to be a step in the right direction. I cannot wait.

– Sash

Surround Yourself with Awesome!

Have you ever noticed the way you act and feel when you are around certain people? You find that you take on the characteristics of a chameleon. You act differently, and associate differently depending on the particular person, or group of persons that you are currently with. You may change the way you act, walk, talk or communicate. You may change your mannerisms, your body language or tone of voice. Your language may change. The subject matter of your discussions may change. All these things may change in order for you to adapt or “fit into” this social environment. And there is nothing wrong or abnormal about it. What one person may find interesting might not be so interesting to another person, and so here we have these “groups” of people that we associate with.

I myself have my school friends, my training friends, my work friends, my close friends, my family. I would even so far as to create another category labelled “awesome friends”. All these different groups of people who I associate with, and in not one of them do I act the exact same. Each group has a certain element of “me” in it that I am able to associate with, and therefore be a part of. But at the same time, each group affects me in different ways. One group may nurture my passion for weight training, and give me the motivation and drive to push harder. Another may be great at discussing life and expanding my knowledge and capacity for thought. Another may be great at just being that friendly listening ear that I need to vent to, and to tell me that everything is going to be fine. Over time, just from the exposure to these different groups, you yourself begin to change. You start becoming more like that group. You start acting “like” the group and soon enough you start acting “as” the group. Ultimately, you become the group.

“You’re one of us now!”

Through experience and over time I have come to realise that the company that you keep is so important. It affects you in so many ways. Your company can raise you to new heights you never thought possible. It can motivate you. It can drive you to be better. Your company can spark new passions. It can act as a support base. It can help you become the strongest and best “you” you can be.

Unfortunately it works both ways and unfortunately the company that you keep is not always for the better. Friendships that you once had, or still have, begin changing your moods, motivations and actions.  It is difficult to notice or accept it sometimes because this negative influence is shunned or put to the side in the name of “friendship.” Perhaps you refuse to admit that a group or a friendship is in fact harming you. You refuse to act because you feel there is this sense of “loyalty” to the group and you don’t want to rock the boat or jeopardise the relationship that has been built.

Whatever the reason may be, I feel it is important to be able to recognise when certain people or groups start affecting your life in a less than desirable way. That way you will be able to take some kind of action to either improve the situation, or if need be, remove yourself from the situation.

I myself have come to realise that some people are not the company I once thought. After being with some of these friends I become aware of the way I feel, and most of the time I walk away moody, upset, or less happy than what I was when I went in. I feel I know less than I should about them. At times I feel they are just acquaintances, instead of friends. I don’t feel comfortable opening up to them anymore. I feel like they don’t actually care about the things that interest me, nor are they supportive of the things that I am passionate about. Conversations are just small talk, turned gossipy and judgemental. I feel myself becoming more gossipy and judgemental around them, when I am the complete opposite. I feel I care more about the friendship than they do. Organising an event together has become a chore. People won’t reciprocate the effort to even travel to meet others anymore. Time isn’t made for the friendship anymore. The friendship has become matter of convenience. A recent example, myself and two friends organised to meet up. One friend had to think whether they could be bothered to drive for twenty minutes or not (they were not bothered, and didn’t show up), and the other just failed to show up. Unfortunately I had to wait around for close to a hour to realise this. On the bright side, it only cost me an hour of my life to learn some of the characteristics my friends.

“Sorry, I’m SOOOOOO busy doing nothing at home!”

There is a saying that you are the “average” of the people that you most associate yourself with. So for example if I was to associate myself with all positive people, I myself will eventually become a more positive person, just from the sheer exposure to these people. I would develop more positive habits and attributes. Stronger relationships would be formed from a supportive friendship foundation. Something about them rubs off on you. You eventually change, but for the better. On the other hand, if I associate myself with many negative people, guess what is going to happen to me? I will likely become a more negative person. So it would make sense, if I wanted to be awesome, to surround and associate myself with mostly awesome people. That way I’ll be in a positive, supportive and encouraging environment that will allow me to flourish. Also, it would make sense to not associate myself with negative people, that would mostly like bring me down, make me feel bad, hinder my progress to where I want to go, and prevent me from being the best person I can be.

Hey, that does make sense. I think I’ll do that.

“What’s up, awesome friend?”

– Sash

When a Simple Dinner changes your Life!

You know when you think you know everyone? I don’t mean you know every single person in the world, but you think you know all the types of people in the world. You put people into categories as they share this trait, or that characteristic. It allows you to make quick judgements based on a few observations whether it be from their walk, their mannerisms, their beliefs and so on. But every once in a while there those who you meet that surprise you. They make you question your knowledge of others. They make you add a new category into your category system. Sometimes for the worse, but sometimes for the better.

From my trip last week I was lucky enough to have experienced the company of two lovely people, who I have had to create a new category for. Currently this category is unnamed and it shall remain that way as I feel it would be an injustice to how amazing they are. If you must, find your thesaurus and look up the word “amazing.” I feel this is an accurate word to describe these two.

Now, I am not one for fancy, expensive, gourmet dinners produced by the most renowned chefs who are so fancy in the pantsy they name their restaurants after their first name. Give me a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and I’m good to go. Hell, forget the spoon, I have hands. But during my trip to Melbourne, I was lucky enough to be involved in a dinner that I will not soon forget.

Cutlery? You mean hands?

These two people only know me via friend association, that is, they were friends of friends. However, I was treated as if I was a very close friend, even a best friend. At least that is I how I felt. My friends and I were there for dinner and we were treated to refreshing water, and delicious corn chips (including gluten free chips) with salsa as a starter. Pizza would be headlining tonight, and I’m not talking about your store bought, frozen, cheap imitation of what a pizza should be. This was to be a real pizza. Made from scratch. Even the dough bases (some regular and some gluten and starch free) were built from the ground up. Never did I realise how many extra ingredients were needed to construct a gluten free dough. But this humble abode catered for both. While the man of the house battled the dough, fist to dough face style, the lady of the house was making the dessert; ice-cream. Armed with cream, sugar and a whisk (among other things) this lady was creating this cream of ice from scratch as well. In the midst of all this, my friends and I were welcomed and humbly encouraged  to taste some house apple cider, made from the apples from the tree in the backyard. Never before had I experienced so many homemade food items.

Next, we had the difficult task of choosing, from a buffet of ingredients, the toppings which to grace our own dough slabs with. All your typical toppings where there for the taking including mushrooms, onions, mozzarella cheese (and gluten free cheese), ham, and gourmet salami. There were even some choices I had never thought of decorating a pizza with such as pumpkin, spinach and anchovies.

While decoration time is happening the room is filled with storytelling, laughter and conversations. I’m talking real conversations and not your extended and polite head nodding of acknowledgement small talk. Real conversations. It was such a refreshing breath of fresh air. I know it might seem strange to think so highly of this, but I have to say I appreciated it so much. Such a contrast it is to the kinds of “conversations” I have at home.

In between stories, the man of the house is darting back and forth between the outside barbecue and the indoor oven. Never have I seen someone care so much for the status of my food. Each pizza was to be cooked just right, and that’s exactly how they were done, and they were absolutely delicious. I was even offered a couple of beers courtesy of the house to drink with the man. I felt more than welcome. I am lost for words with how good it felt to have been accepted into such a lovely home the way that I was. Already in food heaven, bowls of ice-cream graced the table, and our lips. Never before had I tried a “Blue Magic” topping before, but combined with this homemade ice-cream all I can say is Peters or Bulla or Ben and Jerry’s had better watch their backs.

Don’t you just want to roll around in it? Trick question! Of course you do!

After dinner I was offered the sofa bed for peaceful night slumber. I was even given the opportunity to switch off the resident fish’s water filter for the night so that it would not disturb me. I’m sure that fish was not overly fond with sharing the living area with me. Upon awakening the next morning, a note alerted us that we were welcome to anything in the house for breakfast, including a freshly cut pineapple, grape, apple and watermelon fruit salad prepared by the lady herself. In addition, as I returned from my morning run, in unfortunately freezing typhonic weather, I was offered to use the house’s hot water shower and towels. To witness and be a apart of such hospitality, generosity and company I feel truly lucky and blessed. I have never meet the kind of people that I did  on that Melbourne trip and before then never thought these kinds of people existed.

On my trip I met many people, and learned many things, about others and about myself, especially from these two individuals. The experience made me realise that in the grand scheme of things, I know very little about people. It made me realise that some people are inherently good and are willing to help even when it might be inconvenient for them. It made me realise that generosity is out there, and that I myself wish to be more generous in the future, whether it be in giving my resources, knowledge or time to others. It made me realise that I wish to aspire to be as good an individual as these two people. They make me want to be more like them and aspire to treat others the same way.

If they happen to read this I would like to take the opportunity to thank them again. Thank you for taking me into your home and treating me the way you did. It was not unappreciated. Thank you for the great memories, experiences and stories which you have shared with me. My life is now richer from it. I can honestly say if there were more people in the world like you two, the world would be a better place.

I hope this story finds you well. Keep being amazing.

– Sash